January 2021 - A Personal Review
A review of January 2021 through the lens of a brain that refuses to accept that things can be going well, and the influence of belief and faith in achieving success regardless.
January has been a tough month psychologically.
This is a strange contradiction to the reality of the past 28 days, as both CGR Cooke and Charlie Cooke have experienced almost nothing but successes. CGR Cooke has had the first podcast published which, although it has incredibly low views as I was expecting, has given some solace in the fact that it is a real tangible step forward toward the future career I am trying to build.
“I have an opportunity to make a dream become a reality”.
This is the quote that has been running on the autistic loop that occupies my mind at any given moment. To explain that, I only want to highlight that I forget it isn’t a ‘normal’ phenomenon to have a particular word or phrase repeat itself endlessly for no apparent reason for the average normie. The other day I had the phrase ‘heteropaternal superfecundation’ looping in my head for hours on end and was made aware that, even though it’s an odd phrase anyway, that the warehouse supervisor doesn’t experience this same affliction of repeated snippets. Angela from the floor staff seemed to find it funny, none the less.
If you were interested, which I doubt you are but I’ll explain it anyway, heteropaternal superfecundation is the act of a woman becoming impregnated by twins from two separate fathers. It was in my head because I have been listening to some of the Greek hero myths, in this circumstance the mother of Herecles being impregnated by both her husband and Zeus the night before when he had taken the form of the very same husband.
I have been very into the Greek myths again recently. After years of having a strong affiliation with the stars I have now actually made the effort to start learning the constellations and the stories behind them.
My favourite constellation has always been Orion, the hunter and best friend of my favourite female God, Artimis. Perhaps because Orion’s belt is simply one of the most distinct and visible constellations in the western sky, which is the direction that my living room window faces in which I sit in an armchair with my feet on the radiator, but it has always been the constellation I look for.
It took me by surprise one morning, while I was sat in my morning mediation spot staring at the sky at 4.30am, when one star stood out and absorbed all of my attention for almost 40 minutes. It turns out that this star was Procyon, one of the stars of Canis Minor, the ‘lesser dog’, which along with Canis Major is one of the hunting pack which follow Orion through the sky as he hunts the Taurus constellation. I’ve always preferred the underdog.
There was a point to this seemingly mindless ramble about stars which I know that no one except me wanted, and it was that this exploration and study of the stars and Gods has been one of the most rewarding hobbies I’ve taken up, even if it has only been a month.
I was raised Christian, went to Catholic school, went to church every Sunday, said grace before every meal, and never for a second had any religious beliefs or faith in God. I have always envied those that do because it seems like such a fulfilling and valuable intrinsic value to hold, especially when it comes to the belief that your dreams, goals, and aspirations can be attained by a greater power simply by your faith in it happening.
As mentioned in my podcast with Beau Miles, this is no different to repeated affirmations to oneself regarding attaining a goal through self-actualisation, or ‘the law of attraction’ or whatever else you want to call it.
It is the absolute unwavering belief that you can achieve anything provided that you truly have absolute faith and belief that you will achieve it. It’s a lot easier to believe when you place the responsibility on larger powers (i.e. Gods). Even in Starting Self Improvement I talk about Think and Grow Rich being my bible which has brought all the success that I have ever had, and the concept here outlined is essentially the gist of the whole book.
“I have an opportunity to make a dream become a reality”.
This is from the first motivation speech I ever got addicted to – How Bad Do You Want It by Eric Thomas the Hip-Hop Preacher. I can recite this whole speech from memory by the amount of times I’ve listened to it since I was 15 years old. I even used a YouTube audio converter to make it an MP3 and put it on my phone to listen to on the Hunters bus on the way to school.
I’ve listened to this speech a lot this month because not only does it have significant value to me, but also because I am hearing each sentence in completely new ways now that I have started to see success in such a different way. For this first time I genuinely believe that I am becoming successful, even if it did take back to back failures to develop my abilities in order to hold that belief.
This, unfortunately, is why January has been rough.
I am having a very hard time believing that things can be going this well. This isn’t how things go for me. Things always go wrong when I think they’re going right, and normally it’s conducted by my own hand.
The need for chaos and self-destruction seems to be unwavering even in the face of CGR Cooke receiving so much support. I have confirmed my position as a brand ambassador for a nutrition product which I am genuinely very passionate about, had my first article proof sent through for my first column piece in a very reputable specialist nutrition magazine, redesigned the website to better suit what I am aiming to achieve, published the podcast, edited the next which will go out next month, got the podcast on all major platforms including Spotify and iTunes, and now I have a very real and tangible opportunity to conduct my PhD and become Dr. Charlie Cooke before turning 30 (pending a meeting tomorrow and many more over 9 months of work, that is).
Even personally I have rekindled a relationship with someone very important to me from my school years which almost seems too good to be true. I say ‘almost’, it certainly is, so now the clock is ticking before I inevitably fuck it up.
This imposter syndrome, this lack of self-worth, is all very real and I understand it for exactly what it is. I understand that it is my brain’s inability to accept that possibly things could be going well and could continue do so, though understanding is unfortunately not a mediation for the very real feelings that dominate one’s brain and body no matter how unwanted or illogical they may be.
I am not shy about my status as a bi-polar depressive as I like to think I keep on top of it pretty darn well, but this month the pin-ball rattle it has been doing to my psychological state shows I seem to be pressing somewhere that hurts deep inside my psyche. I did not choose to be this way, though I certainly prefer it to being completely even-keel and neutral at all times. After all, I do love a bit of chaos.
I have used the word ‘I’ far, far, far too many times in this article. I hate to be so blatantly big-headed and self-obsessed, but despite all logic this is the dominant thought that has occupied my mind for the past month. The challenge to grapple my brain into submitting to the successes that I have worked so hard to believe I can achieve.
I know I’m not alone in any of these feelings, even though the feelings suggest that I am. I hope that by being open with the reality of chasing this dream and trying to make it become a reality I can express to you, the reader, an intimate and very real demonstration that I am kinda fucked up but simply trying my best.
This is all any of us can do, so as long as our head hits the pillow and we know that we gave the best we had to offer then we can tell those feelings to go fuck themselves and instead listen to the Gods and achieve the goals that they have set out for us.
And with that hyperbolic and grandiose statement, I think I have ran out of things to say about January 2021. I hope this year brings everyone the opportunity to make their dreams become a reality, and you know I’m always here to help. Just drop a message any time.